And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
