We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
