You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
