Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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