now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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