I wish my penis had an off switch
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
