On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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