Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
