I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
