My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
