i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
