Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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