i wish peter jackson would direct porn
should my penis look like a turkey
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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