just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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