I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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