we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
