I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
