The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
