i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
