At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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