Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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