i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
