if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
