Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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