I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
