hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
