I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
