soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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