I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
