I just threw up on my dentist
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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