is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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