You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
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