I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
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