Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
