Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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