He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
