i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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