My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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