Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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