If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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