I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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