Joe is yelling at the trees again.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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