im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
