i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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