Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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