well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
