I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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