Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
