I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
