I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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