Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
