If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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