I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
