By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
