You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
