I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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