One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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