We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
