my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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