if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
