I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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