I got chris browned last night
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
